Friday, 7 August 2009

A Pilgrim's Problems

Whoops, sorry Ali. Trigger seems to have stepped on your head.

It has been a while between entries. Sorry to the fan, but I have been involved in several adventures, none of them all that nice. Also, somehow, I seem have blundered into a website called Santiagobis (no, neither do I). But it seems to feature a lot of rather solemn questions about the Camino - what sort of gourd do you recommend - stuff like that. I tried to help in one case, but only succeeded in ruffling a feather or two.
Anyway,I was going to post the following on Santiagobis, but what the hey? I'd only make it worse.
So it'll make a blog.


Feeling in need of a blinding headache - and to purge my soul of the Grave Sin of Irony - I am thinking of lugging my tired old frame along the Camino Frances to Santiago.


I DON'T WANT to get blisters.
I DON'T WANT it to be too hot.
I DON'T WANT it to be too cold.
I DON'T WANT it to be too wet.
I DON'T WANT to be unsure where I am sleeping tonight.
I DON'T WANT to be unsure where I will be the following night.
I DON'T WANT to be blown up by ETA.
I DON'T WANT to be kidnapped and beheaded by fanatical moslems.
I DON'T WANT representatives of The Quivering Brethren to try to convert me as I walk.
I DON'T WANT someone snoring in the next bed in the albergue.
I DON'T WANT someone farting in the next bed in the albergue.
I DON'T WANT someone sniveling softly to themselves all night in the next bed.
I DON'T WANT someone snoring and farting in the next bed, then getting up at 5.30 a.m. and rustling a lot of plastic bags and chatting to his chums as they leave noisily.
I DON'T WANT to be barked at by fierce dogs.
I DON'T WANT to get into arguments about evolution with creationist crackpots.
I DON'T WANT to get stuck in the middle of a herd of sheep.
I DON'T WANT little midgey things dancing in front of my face and flying into my mouth.
I DON'T WANT hideously Spandex-clad bikey-boys hurtling past me at 40 kilometers an hour without a word of warning and making me jump.
I DON'T WANT to see any more Mel Gibson Movies starring Jesus (What's that got to do with it- Rebekah) (Nothing, I just don't want to.)
I DON'T WANT to hear any more pilgs saying, 'Is this albergue a donativo, or do we have to pay?'
I DON'T WANT any pilgrim meals that include french fries.
I DON'T WANT any hospitaleros who don't understand English.
I DON'T WANT to say 'Buenos dias,' to French pilgs, only be answered with, 'Bonjour.'
I DON'T WANT to have to see elderly, grossly fat Germans swaggering around the refugio wearing only tiny underpants.

In view of all this, I am thinking of fashioning a stout, wooden, soundproof box and having myself Fed-xed to Santiago in it.
What do fellow-pilgrims out there suggest?

If you're going to be that snitty about it, I think I'll just stay home.


Laura said...

Gee, you make it all sound delightful!

Seriously though... perhaps with the exception of the potential ETA bombing(!), I would still choose the Camino over a cruise ship, or another trip to La Jolla, California (where I just spent a week.) Who wants to hang around rich, pretentious, plastic-perfect people when they can have sweat and rain and farting and blisters and uncertainty?! Not sure when I will make it, but I hope my future includes the Camino.

(You knew I would have a comment - glad you are "back.")

Gary White said...

I like the FedEx box idea. So simple, so clean, so sure. Just choose overnight delivery and there you are!

Ryan said...

Buck up and start walking! :-)

Susan said...

That actually makes me want to hit the dusty trail again...and I thought I was "over" the Camino.

Kiwi Nomad 2008 said...

lol, sadly I recognise myself moaning about some men prancing around the albergues some afternoons in underwear with fat stomachs etc hanging out. I think I reached screaming point about it in Molinaseca. Then I realised they only had one change of clothes, and wore their undies while their laundry dried. It didn't make it any more pleasant to view, but at least I realised the reason for it....

frederick said...

I'd take a deux chevaux. It's the ONLY way to travel!